Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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