I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
