nut hugger
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
