Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
i need some magic done to my vagina
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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