the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
