tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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