oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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