My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
