I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
