Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
