I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
