dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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