Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
