and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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