yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
