My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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