Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Randomize
