Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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