Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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