I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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