Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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