they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
