so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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