he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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