i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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