My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize