i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
