i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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