i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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