I wish my penis had an off switch
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
it hurts more in the daytime
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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