We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
