Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
