Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
