My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
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