The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
