I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We need to rekindle our bromance
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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