i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
