The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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