If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
