Banned from zoo.
Again?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
