I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
