I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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