I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
