I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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