I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
