She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
