i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
