remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize