Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
