Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
