I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
