i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
