she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
