Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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