I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
